Changes
I think change is hard for most people. The thing is I am used to change. I grew up with change. As a baby/toddler/school age kid I moved a lot. For the first 7 years of my life I had a new address every year. Finally I felt I had found my home in Utah. I lived there for almost 8 years. I met some of my best friends there. My heart has always been there. Moving to Arizona was so hard for me. I remember turning into a letter writer. I wrote all my friends and they wrote me back. I went to visit and had some friends come visit me.
I'm going back. This decision is not easy for me being that my kids will now live in 2 different states for awhile. There will be a lot of back and forth, this is going to be an adjustment. B and I have been talking a lot lately. Things are becoming more clear with us day by day. He is accepting and I am making some sacrifices. We are working this out and the weirdest thing is we aren't fighting anymore. We are mostly calm. I of course have an Italian temper that flares but he knows this.
The paper work has all been filed. I take a court ordered parenting class this weekend. He has his in 2 weeks. From there it is just getting our things in order, going to court, and done. We are agreeing on everything. I may set the record for smoothest divorce in history. No kidding...but really we are not being dirty and this is important.
Living in another state is going to be hard at first. It will be weird not having my children everyday. I refuse to take my children away from him...he is the best father in the whole world. My children are lucky. He refuses to take them from me so the sacrifice is part time for both of us.
It may seem I am running away. In a way maybe I am. Here is the thing. I will love him forever. I may not be in love with him anymore but we were a family for so long. My family is now changing. I know how he feels about me. I know how much this is going to break him for awhile. I can't see that. I can't. If I don't make these changes now we will head down this same path in a year, maybe six months, maybe 5 years. I have to accept that our relationship has gone as far as it could being married. For some reason something has changed. For some reason I am being called to somewhere else. For some reason I will believe that this change is what is supposed to be.
I am lucky to have support in both states. My Mom is being amazingly wonderful. My talk with her helped me see things so clearly...love you mom! Then there is this guy. I am going to call him this guy for awhile. Over the past few months our relationship has gone beyond friendship. I believe everything happens for a reason and I believe he came into my life when I needed him. He didn't know that things were going on in my marriage at first. He sent me an email just saying hi. At this time my best friend Chris was going away for awhile and my heart was hurting so badly. He talked to me, he supported me, he set me straight when it came to things that didn't make sense. He is funny, very confident, and thinks outside the box like me. We grew up in the same state and went to the same High school. He isn't pushing me to do anything. He leaves my decisions with B up to me. If I ask for his opinion he gives it to me but he constantly reminds me its my life and I need to do what I need to do. It's new, its exciting...I'm happy.
Life sometimes takes a different direction than you ever thought. Its up to us if we take a chance on that different direction or not. After 16 years I am making a right. I am going in that different direction. I am making that choice that isn't easy. I am venturing into the unknown with a little help from my friends.
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